This week has been financially frustrating. Well, it's been frustrating period, but specifically in the area of money. First of all, I still haven't slept well in days. Just when my kids started to get healthy, I got sick, and then it was off to work feeling like garbage. Some days just feel like hiking up hill with a 50 pound weight strapped to your back.
I have to say that for the last few years, money hasn't been too big of a stress factor for me. It's not like I have a lot of it, but I live pretty simply, don't have any debt, and have a job that covers the bills. Making the transition to running my own business has changed that in a lot of ways. This Christmas the boys had plenty of presents thanks to extended family, but we didn't really exchange gifts with anyone else. I didn't even really mind. It wasn't until this last week that the financial situation has started to feel a little overwhelming.
First on the list is the fact that I never got to see my immediate family at Christmas. This was the first year I haven't been with my siblings & mom and dad for a Christmas celebration. I figured we'd use a free ticket I had to fly out in January instead. Then, everything just fell apart. My free ticket wasn't available for use, and all my plans started to fall through. I could still go, I just have to come up with $900 to fly out of Spokane. Sweet.
Then, there is the digital camera. I have been salivating over it for years. Every Christmas, Costco marks it down a couple hundred dollars. And, every year, there have been other things the money I had needed to go toward. Photography has always been a love of mine. I've worked in a portrait studio, taken photography classes, developed my own film, learned photoshop...I just don't have the camera. It sounds silly, but it's a dream I have, and I felt like I had to lay "my Isaac" on the altar this week, and let it go.
On top of everything, I felt God prompting me to give above and beyond what I normally do on Sundays. He just told me to give everything. Everything? Yep. Everything I had in my wallet - which was a good chunk! (I make tips & get paid in cash!) Ugh. I was happy to give, but it just didn't make sense in light of everything that was going on.
I guess it's another part of what God is teaching me. We live so richly in this country. Do I really need a Canon Rebel XSi SLR 12 megapixel camera with live video capabilities? Okay, maybe not, but I do know that I serve a God that knows everything, that has promised to ALWAYS provide, and who cares about even the little things that concern me. I had to remind myself of that today as I am trying to let go and trust Him with my future and my finances.
Sorry, P. Diddy, it's NOT all about the Benjamins!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Day 12 - At the bottom of the Mountain
Before you think that I am the biggest slacker in the world, let me just inform you that my children have not been healthy for a week. Having sick kids can be one of the most exhausting things in life. It's especially challenging when they are young, and there isn't much you can do, and they don't understand why they don't feel well! I know, excuses, excuses! My brain is so fried that I'm not sure I could write a book report on "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". This could be a little rough to read!
I did get a little bit of a break over the weekend while the boys were with their dad, but emotionally I feel like I've been through the wringer as well. Church on Sunday really hit home. The pastor talked about the Practical Atheist - one who claims to believe in God, but acts as if He doesn't exist. While we sat in the service, I listened to an outline describing a person that sounded a lot like me. Don't get me wrong, I don't just go to church for show. I was raised in a wonderful home where I was taught what it looked like to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and how that relationship actually changed lives. It scares me to think what kind of woman I would be without the grace of God in my life. But, as I've gotten older and had to deal with pain, it seems like parts of the relationship are easy for me to want to ignore. The pastor talked about being a "cafeteria Christian" - how we want to pick and choose what we like about God, and leave out the parts we don't. I laughed when I picked up my Bible reading for the day: Zechariah & Revelation. I skipped straight to the Psalm. Reading about God healing the brokenhearted & binding up their wounds is much easier than reading "Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword which will strike down the nations" or "You must die because you have told lies in the Lord's name". Yikes.
It even reminded me of writing my blog. I thought it would be so fun to share inspirational stories about overcoming - something that would make a great feel-good movie like "The Blind Side". I had no idea how difficult this journey would be when I started it. It seems like it would be so much easier to continue going about my life, which by most people's standards isn't even that bad, go to church on Sundays, and read some warm, fuzzy verses about how much God loves me every now and then. Instead, I feel like an obese person who has just visited the physician and been told that if they don't make some changes to their diet, the results could be fatal. I've never been obese, but I do know how overwhelming it can be to lose weight and make changes when it seems like things change so slowly. I feel a little overwhelmed right now. I know that there are some changes I need to make that seem almost impossible.
This does not feel like a very inspiring blog entry. I don't have any great lessons that I learned or tidbits of wisdom to dwell on while going throughout the day. I just have a tough road ahead. I guess that's why Jesus said "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (Matt. 7:13) My hope lies in that I don't have to do it alone.
Prayer:
Lord, thank you for meeting me in my exhaustion. Thank you that you love me enough to pursue me, and move me to change. Thank you that you've given me everything that I need to live a life that honors you. I pray that you would give me the strength to take one step at a time toward where you want me to be. I don't want to waste what you've entrusted to me. Thank you that you always do love me, even in spite of me. Thank you for every aspect that makes you who you are."
I did get a little bit of a break over the weekend while the boys were with their dad, but emotionally I feel like I've been through the wringer as well. Church on Sunday really hit home. The pastor talked about the Practical Atheist - one who claims to believe in God, but acts as if He doesn't exist. While we sat in the service, I listened to an outline describing a person that sounded a lot like me. Don't get me wrong, I don't just go to church for show. I was raised in a wonderful home where I was taught what it looked like to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and how that relationship actually changed lives. It scares me to think what kind of woman I would be without the grace of God in my life. But, as I've gotten older and had to deal with pain, it seems like parts of the relationship are easy for me to want to ignore. The pastor talked about being a "cafeteria Christian" - how we want to pick and choose what we like about God, and leave out the parts we don't. I laughed when I picked up my Bible reading for the day: Zechariah & Revelation. I skipped straight to the Psalm. Reading about God healing the brokenhearted & binding up their wounds is much easier than reading "Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword which will strike down the nations" or "You must die because you have told lies in the Lord's name". Yikes.
It even reminded me of writing my blog. I thought it would be so fun to share inspirational stories about overcoming - something that would make a great feel-good movie like "The Blind Side". I had no idea how difficult this journey would be when I started it. It seems like it would be so much easier to continue going about my life, which by most people's standards isn't even that bad, go to church on Sundays, and read some warm, fuzzy verses about how much God loves me every now and then. Instead, I feel like an obese person who has just visited the physician and been told that if they don't make some changes to their diet, the results could be fatal. I've never been obese, but I do know how overwhelming it can be to lose weight and make changes when it seems like things change so slowly. I feel a little overwhelmed right now. I know that there are some changes I need to make that seem almost impossible.
This does not feel like a very inspiring blog entry. I don't have any great lessons that I learned or tidbits of wisdom to dwell on while going throughout the day. I just have a tough road ahead. I guess that's why Jesus said "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (Matt. 7:13) My hope lies in that I don't have to do it alone.
Prayer:
Lord, thank you for meeting me in my exhaustion. Thank you that you love me enough to pursue me, and move me to change. Thank you that you've given me everything that I need to live a life that honors you. I pray that you would give me the strength to take one step at a time toward where you want me to be. I don't want to waste what you've entrusted to me. Thank you that you always do love me, even in spite of me. Thank you for every aspect that makes you who you are."
Monday, December 21, 2009
Day 11 - Agape Love
It's midnight. I should probably be sleeping, but I decided to read my Bible before I went to sleep, and the reading for today just so happened to be one of my favorite chapters - Psalm 139. I started thinking of a song written about Psalm 139 that I knew in high school, so I had to get up and try to find it on iTunes. Once I found it, and listened to the words, I wanted to share it.
I've realized over the last few weeks that my audience does not consist solely of single moms, or even those with children, or even people that firmly believe in God. It's been tough for me at times to be so transparent with my life knowing that it may solicit criticism, disagreement, or even just awkwardness. I have to say, that even despite that knowledge, I want to keep writing and sharing what I am learning. Just because I believe in God certainly doesn't mean I have it all figured out. After acknowledging that I didn't have it all figured out, it made all the difference in the world, however, to know that I didn't have to have it all together. Listening to the song I downloaded reminded me why I believe what I do. At the end of the day, I think in the deepest part of our being, we all want to be loved unconditionally. It's what we all chase whether we recognize it or not. It was a wonderful feeling tonight to find what I search for on a daily basis. This interpretation of Psalm 139 says it so well:
You've searched me, you know me
You see my every move
There's nothing I could ever do
to hide myself from you
You know my thoughts, my fears & hurts
My weaknesses & pride
You know what I am going through
And how I feel inside
But even though you know
You will always love me
Even though you know
You'll never let me go
I don't deserve your love
But you give it freely
You will always love me
even though you know
Having someone on this earth to love and go through life with is a wonderful thing, but there is nothing that can ever compare to knowing that you are loved - no mater what. Period. I initially titled this blog "Try, try again" because I feel like I've been failing so much. I even started the last post that I lost with a "report card" of how I have been doing. I am so thankful that life doesn't depend on my ability to be perfect, because I would never even get in the same universe as that standard.
I can go to bed tonight knowing that despite all the mistakes I have made in my life and all the times I've failed to do the right thing, I am loved. No mater what. Period. What an amazing thing!
My Prayer:
"Lord, just like it says in the psalm - How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand. It amazes me that you love me - even with all my flaws. Thank you."
For reference: www.gotquestions.org/agape-love.html
Also:
If you want to hear the song I downloaded, run a search in iTunes for Psalm 139. It is the 3rd most popular song by Rebecca St. James
Another AMAZING song on this topic is called Child of God by Vineyard UK. I highly recommend downloading it.
I've realized over the last few weeks that my audience does not consist solely of single moms, or even those with children, or even people that firmly believe in God. It's been tough for me at times to be so transparent with my life knowing that it may solicit criticism, disagreement, or even just awkwardness. I have to say, that even despite that knowledge, I want to keep writing and sharing what I am learning. Just because I believe in God certainly doesn't mean I have it all figured out. After acknowledging that I didn't have it all figured out, it made all the difference in the world, however, to know that I didn't have to have it all together. Listening to the song I downloaded reminded me why I believe what I do. At the end of the day, I think in the deepest part of our being, we all want to be loved unconditionally. It's what we all chase whether we recognize it or not. It was a wonderful feeling tonight to find what I search for on a daily basis. This interpretation of Psalm 139 says it so well:
You've searched me, you know me
You see my every move
There's nothing I could ever do
to hide myself from you
You know my thoughts, my fears & hurts
My weaknesses & pride
You know what I am going through
And how I feel inside
But even though you know
You will always love me
Even though you know
You'll never let me go
I don't deserve your love
But you give it freely
You will always love me
even though you know
Having someone on this earth to love and go through life with is a wonderful thing, but there is nothing that can ever compare to knowing that you are loved - no mater what. Period. I initially titled this blog "Try, try again" because I feel like I've been failing so much. I even started the last post that I lost with a "report card" of how I have been doing. I am so thankful that life doesn't depend on my ability to be perfect, because I would never even get in the same universe as that standard.
I can go to bed tonight knowing that despite all the mistakes I have made in my life and all the times I've failed to do the right thing, I am loved. No mater what. Period. What an amazing thing!
My Prayer:
"Lord, just like it says in the psalm - How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand. It amazes me that you love me - even with all my flaws. Thank you."
For reference: www.gotquestions.org/agape-love.html
Also:
If you want to hear the song I downloaded, run a search in iTunes for Psalm 139. It is the 3rd most popular song by Rebecca St. James
Another AMAZING song on this topic is called Child of God by Vineyard UK. I highly recommend downloading it.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Day 10 - Massive Frustration
I spent 3 days trying to piece together my last blog. I finally wrapped it up a little while ago, felt pretty good about it, and promptly received an error message after trying to publish it. I lost the whole thing even though it said it had saved. There is nothing more frustrating than wasting time. I've thought about how in Nazi concentration camps soldiers made prisoners move piles of rocks from one place to another, just to torture them. How effective.
In the meantime, I'll work on plan B.
In the meantime, I'll work on plan B.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Day 9 - Thank-yous
Yuck. This is where the rubber meets the road - where I have to practice what I preach. It's 2:00 in the afternoon & I have to go to work in an hour and a half. Tyler and Joren have been climbing on my lap for the last hour asking me to pay attention to them. I've been trying to get a little bookkeeping done, and I've already spent the whole morning doing it. I had a bunch of errands to run, because I just got back from vacation. It seems like there are never enough hours in the day! I want to pay attention to my kids & I have SO much to do!
When I was unpacking my suitcase this morning, I found a little note I had written during a church service last year after Thanksgiving. It was a list titled "I'm Thankful for:". I had written down
1. God's grace
2. My boys & family
3. AP
4. Health
5. Provision
6. Friends like Carmel
7. Freedom
I never did come up with all 10 things. It seems kind of sad to me that I couldn't think of 3 more things to be thankful for. I remember a college professor telling me that if I was ever having a rough day, I should take out a piece of paper and write down the 10 things that were frustrating me. Then, I should rip that paper up, let it go, and write down 20 things that I was thankful for. It was such a great exercise for me then, and I still do it fairly often. Today definitely feels like a day that would be good to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for!
1. Still have to put God's grace at #1!
2. My boys & Family
3. AP (could probably be family now :-)
4. A warm, safe place to live
5. A job! (or 3!)
6. Freedom
7. Life
8. Life + Health
9. Healthy Kids
10. Good friends to spend time with
11. A great church to go to
12. A vacation I just got to take
13. Plenty of clothes to stay warm
14. Enough food to eat
15. Lots of opportunities to celebrate Jesus' birthday!
16. Health Insurance
17. Grandparents that are very generous & involved in my life
18. A vehicle that runs & is paid for
19. A new house
20. An opportunity to have RELATIONSHIP with God because Jesus was born
I was listening to the radio today & heard a pastor talking about the fact that Mary could've been stoned for getting pregnant and not being married. When the angel came to her and told her she would have God's son, that MUST'VE crossed her mind! But, she still sang praises to God. I can't relate to immaculate conception in a time that pregnancy out of wedlock could mean death, but I've certainly felt overwhelmed by my circumstances. I'm going to tape my list on my bathroom mirror to remind me that there are always things to be thankful for, even when the day seems miserable. Then, I'm going to go play "wrestle mania" on the floor with my boys!
Prayer
"Lord, thank you. For EVERYTHING."
Amen
When I was unpacking my suitcase this morning, I found a little note I had written during a church service last year after Thanksgiving. It was a list titled "I'm Thankful for:". I had written down
1. God's grace
2. My boys & family
3. AP
4. Health
5. Provision
6. Friends like Carmel
7. Freedom
I never did come up with all 10 things. It seems kind of sad to me that I couldn't think of 3 more things to be thankful for. I remember a college professor telling me that if I was ever having a rough day, I should take out a piece of paper and write down the 10 things that were frustrating me. Then, I should rip that paper up, let it go, and write down 20 things that I was thankful for. It was such a great exercise for me then, and I still do it fairly often. Today definitely feels like a day that would be good to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for!
1. Still have to put God's grace at #1!
2. My boys & Family
3. AP (could probably be family now :-)
4. A warm, safe place to live
5. A job! (or 3!)
6. Freedom
7. Life
8. Life + Health
9. Healthy Kids
10. Good friends to spend time with
11. A great church to go to
12. A vacation I just got to take
13. Plenty of clothes to stay warm
14. Enough food to eat
15. Lots of opportunities to celebrate Jesus' birthday!
16. Health Insurance
17. Grandparents that are very generous & involved in my life
18. A vehicle that runs & is paid for
19. A new house
20. An opportunity to have RELATIONSHIP with God because Jesus was born
I was listening to the radio today & heard a pastor talking about the fact that Mary could've been stoned for getting pregnant and not being married. When the angel came to her and told her she would have God's son, that MUST'VE crossed her mind! But, she still sang praises to God. I can't relate to immaculate conception in a time that pregnancy out of wedlock could mean death, but I've certainly felt overwhelmed by my circumstances. I'm going to tape my list on my bathroom mirror to remind me that there are always things to be thankful for, even when the day seems miserable. Then, I'm going to go play "wrestle mania" on the floor with my boys!
Prayer
"Lord, thank you. For EVERYTHING."
Amen
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Day 8 - Back on the wagon (not the one involving alcohol)
I'm sitting on a airplane wrapping up a 5 day vacation. We are returning from a visit with family to celebrate the holidays, and it occurs to me that it was a great idea to take a vacation in the middle of winter to Minneapolis. Even though it wasn't a tropical climate, after being in -4 degree weather, the 30 degree temperatures we are returning to will feel quite warm.
My parents always tell me that it doesn't feel like Christmas when it's warm outside. They've spent the past 5 years between San Diego and Dallas. I just don't think I'd mind not having sub-zero wind chills in December - nothing like pain to get one into the Christmas spirit, right? Regardless of the temperature outside, Christmas still comes, and I was reminded over the weekend that few seem to escape the overwhelming busyness of the season.
It's been a while since I've lived in a large metropolitan area around the holidays. One afternoon in Minneapolis we decided to venture to the mall to do a little gift shopping. Bad idea. I was shocked to see the parking lot so full, and I figured we'd have a good half-mile walk through the slush before we got inside. Fortunately, we found a spot a little closer, but it wasn't much of a relief once we were indoors. I'm female, so obviously I have some genetic defect that makes me enjoy shopping, but THIS was not shopping. People were standing in a line that consisted of an hour-plus wait to see Santa. Some carried so many bags, they couldn't fit through doors. Girls dug through a pile of sale jeans - on sale for $200. Two hundred dollars - on sale. Yikes!
It's tough to escape being busy during the holidays. A lot of people have to travel, there are Christmas programs to attend, work parties, gift exchanges, special church services - it's enough to throw off the usual routine. Being on vacation certainly threw off my routine, and I will admit that I didn't really take any time during any of the 5 days to spend time alone with God. It seems ironic that in celebrating Jesus' birthday, I forgot about Jesus.
So, maybe this is the 400th thing you've read in the last month talking about making sure to focus on the meaning in Christmas. Why? Obviously, we all, including me, need to be reminded on a regular basis, because we all get too busy! While I was writing this, I started to wonder, during this season of giving and wanting, what does God really want? What can I give him?
In a letter home to parents, my son's preschool challenged us to make sure and spend time with our children, even amidst our busy schedules. They pointed out that children can get cranky with their routines off and all our running around. Last week, I found that to be true. My three year old seemed to be in a bad mood all day. Finally in frustration I asked him "What do you want?!"
"I just want you, momma", he replied.
I sat down to read him a story, and as he cuddled up to me on my lap, his bad mood seemed to slip away. Wow, those teachers are smart!
Maybe you see where this is going. I really think I failed to give God the one thing he wanted on my vacation - my time. It's crazy to me how long it takes for me to learn things sometimes. Didn't I just write about this a week ago. Good thing God is gracious. Give him some of your time today. I finally did, and I feel so much better. (Also, I forgot my razor on my trip, so showering helped too :-)
Prayer:
Lord, thank you so much that it doesn't depend on my own amazing efforts to be close to you. Thank you for meeting me where I am at, and loving me at all times. Change my heart so that I continue to desire to spend time with you each day. Help me to spend quality time with my children as well - even when I am busy. Thank you for family and times of celebration. May we always remember why we are celebrating.
Amen!
My parents always tell me that it doesn't feel like Christmas when it's warm outside. They've spent the past 5 years between San Diego and Dallas. I just don't think I'd mind not having sub-zero wind chills in December - nothing like pain to get one into the Christmas spirit, right? Regardless of the temperature outside, Christmas still comes, and I was reminded over the weekend that few seem to escape the overwhelming busyness of the season.
It's been a while since I've lived in a large metropolitan area around the holidays. One afternoon in Minneapolis we decided to venture to the mall to do a little gift shopping. Bad idea. I was shocked to see the parking lot so full, and I figured we'd have a good half-mile walk through the slush before we got inside. Fortunately, we found a spot a little closer, but it wasn't much of a relief once we were indoors. I'm female, so obviously I have some genetic defect that makes me enjoy shopping, but THIS was not shopping. People were standing in a line that consisted of an hour-plus wait to see Santa. Some carried so many bags, they couldn't fit through doors. Girls dug through a pile of sale jeans - on sale for $200. Two hundred dollars - on sale. Yikes!
It's tough to escape being busy during the holidays. A lot of people have to travel, there are Christmas programs to attend, work parties, gift exchanges, special church services - it's enough to throw off the usual routine. Being on vacation certainly threw off my routine, and I will admit that I didn't really take any time during any of the 5 days to spend time alone with God. It seems ironic that in celebrating Jesus' birthday, I forgot about Jesus.
So, maybe this is the 400th thing you've read in the last month talking about making sure to focus on the meaning in Christmas. Why? Obviously, we all, including me, need to be reminded on a regular basis, because we all get too busy! While I was writing this, I started to wonder, during this season of giving and wanting, what does God really want? What can I give him?
In a letter home to parents, my son's preschool challenged us to make sure and spend time with our children, even amidst our busy schedules. They pointed out that children can get cranky with their routines off and all our running around. Last week, I found that to be true. My three year old seemed to be in a bad mood all day. Finally in frustration I asked him "What do you want?!"
"I just want you, momma", he replied.
I sat down to read him a story, and as he cuddled up to me on my lap, his bad mood seemed to slip away. Wow, those teachers are smart!
Maybe you see where this is going. I really think I failed to give God the one thing he wanted on my vacation - my time. It's crazy to me how long it takes for me to learn things sometimes. Didn't I just write about this a week ago. Good thing God is gracious. Give him some of your time today. I finally did, and I feel so much better. (Also, I forgot my razor on my trip, so showering helped too :-)
Prayer:
Lord, thank you so much that it doesn't depend on my own amazing efforts to be close to you. Thank you for meeting me where I am at, and loving me at all times. Change my heart so that I continue to desire to spend time with you each day. Help me to spend quality time with my children as well - even when I am busy. Thank you for family and times of celebration. May we always remember why we are celebrating.
Amen!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Update
Okay, so I had to make an executive decision:
As much as I really want to blog on a daily basis, I have found it almost impossible to have the time on certain days. Believe it or not, it actually takes me a good chunk of time to write! I am still going to try and post almost every day, but the whole idea is that I'm not taking time away from my kids or other important things. I'm still going the distance for 30 days - it just might take me 40 to get there! :-)
Stay tuned...Gorillas part 2 is coming next!
As much as I really want to blog on a daily basis, I have found it almost impossible to have the time on certain days. Believe it or not, it actually takes me a good chunk of time to write! I am still going to try and post almost every day, but the whole idea is that I'm not taking time away from my kids or other important things. I'm still going the distance for 30 days - it just might take me 40 to get there! :-)
Stay tuned...Gorillas part 2 is coming next!
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