Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 12 - At the bottom of the Mountain

Before you think that I am the biggest slacker in the world, let me just inform you that my children have not been healthy for a week. Having sick kids can be one of the most exhausting things in life. It's especially challenging when they are young, and there isn't much you can do, and they don't understand why they don't feel well! I know, excuses, excuses! My brain is so fried that I'm not sure I could write a book report on "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". This could be a little rough to read!

I did get a little bit of a break over the weekend while the boys were with their dad, but emotionally I feel like I've been through the wringer as well. Church on Sunday really hit home. The pastor talked about the Practical Atheist - one who claims to believe in God, but acts as if He doesn't exist. While we sat in the service, I listened to an outline describing a person that sounded a lot like me. Don't get me wrong, I don't just go to church for show. I was raised in a wonderful home where I was taught what it looked like to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and how that relationship actually changed lives. It scares me to think what kind of woman I would be without the grace of God in my life. But, as I've gotten older and had to deal with pain, it seems like parts of the relationship are easy for me to want to ignore. The pastor talked about being a "cafeteria Christian" - how we want to pick and choose what we like about God, and leave out the parts we don't. I laughed when I picked up my Bible reading for the day: Zechariah & Revelation. I skipped straight to the Psalm. Reading about God healing the brokenhearted & binding up their wounds is much easier than reading "Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword which will strike down the nations" or "You must die because you have told lies in the Lord's name". Yikes.

It even reminded me of writing my blog. I thought it would be so fun to share inspirational stories about overcoming - something that would make a great feel-good movie like "The Blind Side". I had no idea how difficult this journey would be when I started it. It seems like it would be so much easier to continue going about my life, which by most people's standards isn't even that bad, go to church on Sundays, and read some warm, fuzzy verses about how much God loves me every now and then. Instead, I feel like an obese person who has just visited the physician and been told that if they don't make some changes to their diet, the results could be fatal. I've never been obese, but I do know how overwhelming it can be to lose weight and make changes when it seems like things change so slowly. I feel a little overwhelmed right now. I know that there are some changes I need to make that seem almost impossible.

This does not feel like a very inspiring blog entry. I don't have any great lessons that I learned or tidbits of wisdom to dwell on while going throughout the day. I just have a tough road ahead. I guess that's why Jesus said "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (Matt. 7:13) My hope lies in that I don't have to do it alone.

Lord, thank you for meeting me in my exhaustion. Thank you that you love me enough to pursue me, and move me to change. Thank you that you've given me everything that I need to live a life that honors you. I pray that you would give me the strength to take one step at a time toward where you want me to be. I don't want to waste what you've entrusted to me. Thank you that you always do love me, even in spite of me. Thank you for every aspect that makes you who you are."

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